News and Events in the Addiction Community

Dr. Drew and Faith. A Friendly Reminder

05/13/2010

As a parent of two amazing young men that have lived with the disease of addiction for several years now, it’s an understatement to say that I have witnessed a few tragedies and miracles on more than one occasion. When the circumstances on the surface appeared to be beyond hope and my sons‘ funeral was the only “logical” outcome, it is the powers that be that have left me in awe of what I don’t know, can’t control and should not even try to. It’s having faith in what I cannot see and the difference between control and influence. Faith for me is believing in a power greater than the arrogance of my fear, panic and desperation and understanding that these emotions are never acceptable reasons for such behavior as suggested by Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Dr. Drew- Addiction Medicine specialist & Star of VH1‘s “Celebrity Rehab” stated what he would do if he were Lindsay Lohan’s father recently on his Facebook page.
“ If she were my daughter, I would pack her car full with illegal substances, send her on her way, call the police and make sure she was arrested. I would make sure she was not allowed to get out of jail. I would then go to the judge and make sure she was ordered to a minimum of a three year sobriety program”.

If I had done what Dr. Drew suggested when my son was at the height of his addiction he would, without a doubt have been arrested. According to the law, as an adult, he is responsible for his actions. You suggest to plead with the judge. All well intended, but most of the parents I know and work with are not at your level of knowledge and understanding addiction or carry the title “Star of VH1‘s, Celebrity Rehab” . Most importantly that would be rescuing behavior, even if it was a parent setting up the child, it’s still rescuing and this whole idea is wrong on so many levels. And what if the judge did in fact grant treatment vs. jail time?

Would there be any confession from me to the judge, while I’m busy controlling and interfering, that I’m the one who planted the “illegal substances” in my sons car. Not to mention, exactly how did I obtain these illegal substances...legally?
Or would I conveniently overlook that for the sake of my sons alleged well being?

I know personally my son would lose respect for me as I have always been honest with both of them and taught them to be guided by the same integrity.
Wether they behave in a way that does not fall in line with what they have been taught does not give me permission to drop my standard of parenting. Period.

If treatment was granted, how would he accept responsibility for his actions and not continue to blame everyone else for his behavior. He didn’t do anything to get busted. Would this set-up not fuel the very denial of his disease?

Dr. Drew, I can assure you many of us live with the reality that we may lose a child from this disease and sadly enough I know many who have. The possible flip side of your suggestion would be he would actually serve time for the illegal substances I planted.

From the many people in and out of recovery I have spoken to and visited in jail, my own son included, it’s no secret that there are just as many drugs available on the inside as on the outside.

When my son, now 23, was in Drug Court as a result of the consequences of where his addiction took him, he relapsed even while under the Drug Court teams watchful eye. If he or any drug court member could not maintain total and complete sobriety one of the many sanctions included jail time.

Being the first to notice the change in my son’s behavior as a result of his relapse, I knew there was a lot riding on how I chose to handle this. I began by letting him know he needed to find somewhere else to live, starting that day. As angry as that made him I held my ground. I was not the one who broke our agreement that was contingent on his sobriety, allowing him the luxury of being able to live at home. The only way he would ever be able to understand that was by having him leave as we both previously agreed.

Before he walked out the door I boldly encouraged him to consider coming forward to his probation officer instead of waiting to get caught. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me and asked me if I had been hittin the pipe, because that was the craziest most f**d up idea I had ever come up with.

I reminded him that hiding from his lies was a cowards way out and he was bigger than that. Passionately explaining the difference between a man who makes mistakes and hides from them or consciously chooses to walk through them with honor and integrity.

I knew this was a tough sell. Especially in light of my telling him to leave the house, now I’m asking him to do something most people would never consider doing sober. I’m very clear in my role in this and that is to hold the line and love him without judgement. To stand strong in the face of his denial and ask the tough questions that his soul needs to hear. And having faith in something greater than fear and desperation. Faith that the power of love is greater and in his quiet moments alone, he will revisit what I’ve said.

My job as his parent is not to tattle-tale on him and flaunt my self-righteous thinking. Or worse, set him up for jail time. It’s not rocket science to know that the truth of his actions would eventually rise to the surface not only in Drug Court, but in life, and at this stage he still had a choice in how he would receive his sanction.

I could have easily reported this incident to his probation officer and many people, I’m now referring to the “armchair quarterbacks” of parenting. Those would be the parents who have on average five years of experience or less raising little Johnny. The ones who would be cheering me on to the finish line as I innocently report my son’s relapse.

My son called me two days after moving out to let me know he came clean with his probation officer and that his PO said he respected him for the courage it took to be honest. His sanction was to return to jail because of what he did, not something I set in motion by tattling or planting drugs. His response to the consequences were different this time. I watched the bailiff handcuff him and place him in the cage inside the courtroom. Not once did he lower his head in shame or carry the look of defiance and arrogance as he held his head up. Progress comes in many steps, never to be dismissed by their size.

Addiction and Alcoholism’ spiritual component and having faith in a higher power, not to be confused with religious matters are undermined by such statements and vigilante proposals as the ones Dr. Drew suggested for Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s father.
We all have crossroads in our lives and the choices I shared with my son when dealing with his relapse in Drug Court are fitting for the circumstances regarding Dr. Drew’s statements.

The seeds of good parenting shine in the darkest moments. Even if it appears to be hopeless, it’s not. My experience and faith knows that addiction is as deeply rooted in the soul as much as it is physical. And if I continue to walk in my truth and integrity, balancing my fears and panic, not attempting to control the outcome of my sons lives, then I know the example I set for my children and other parents, will always provide a solid place for them to come to when they feel lost.

Dr. Drew, I would like to believe your words were said in error. I would also like to believe that not one parent follows your suggestions.

I have faith that you will recognize the need to offer an alternative statement and be the man who made a mistake but chooses to walk through with honor and integrity, not the coward who hides and justifies. My children are no different than your children and the Lindsay Lohan’s struggling to make their way in life. You have an opportunity to rise to the occasion and be more than just Dr. Drew Pinsky, Addiction Medicine specialist & Star of VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab”. You could actually be someone that our children and the Lindsay Lohan’s run to, and not from.